"How was I supposed to know that there was an actual person out there called Joe Vigilanti?!"

"Jimmy's as safe as a bug in a baby's bottom."

Matthew: "In fact in Japan they've got all kinds of different things to eat."
Bill: "Yeah, I know Matthew it's called Chinese food. Now shut up."

Bill: "What is this?"
Lisa: "That's a Hello Kitty backpack silly!"
Matthew: "That is sooo perfect for him isn't it?"
Bill: "Oh Matthew, I can't accept this..."
Matthew: "Oh no please."
Bill: "...because I'm neither Japanese, 14 years old nor a girl."

"Let me say to you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving, 'Give me my money back!'"

Matthew: "Hey, you know in Japan, you're allowed to eat seaweed."
Bill: "No, that is so fascinating I almost forgot you had presents."

"Nobody cares how beautiful the soufflé is when the appetizers are turds in a blanket."

"You're from Wisconsin... artificial light is fascinating to you!"

"You just threw up in the punch bowl we all share, and now you expect us to believe it's Alphabet Soup?"

Bill: "This idea is both fair and democratic."
Dave: "Yes it is."
Bill: "And I want no part of it."

Dave: "Bill, these people are insane."
Bill: "Oh really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?"

Catherine: "Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution."
Bill: "And I've never felt freer!"

"Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll show you a man."

Matthew: "Oh, I'm sorry... Would it please the good sir Lord Bill of McNeal to join us?"
Bill: "Let me think... Friday night... see a movie or sit around Spaz's kitchen sipping tea with a bunch of shut-ins?... Tough choice..."
Matthew: "They're not shut-ins, okay Bill... they're just the kind of people that like to stay inside... all the time."
Bill: "Well, it's hard to get out when you're taking care of 16 stray cats... each named after a child you never had..."
Matthew: "Fine... don't go... I don't... just don't go..."
Bill: "Oh c'mon pal, I'm only kidding... I'll be there..."
Matthew: "Really?...
Bill: "Yeah, I mean, depending on the weather, of course..."
Dave: "Okay Bill, Stop it."
Matthew: "Well, it's supposed to be crisp and clear on Friday... so... "
Bill: "Oh, I'd been told hell was going to freeze over... I must've been misinformed... count me out... unless of course, the forecast changes..."

Dave: "I've got plenty of heart."
Bill: "Said the Tin Man to the Wizard."

Bill: "You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square."
Dave: "You know, I worked in Milwaukee, it's a city with a population of a million people."
Bill: "So, there must have been a lot of hub-bub when that cow got loose."

"Say, Dave, maybe after work you'd like to go by the zoo and shoot some goats."

"We'd be stuck inside, burned alive. Like those people on the Titanic!"

"If I want to be treated like a spoiled baby it's time I acted like one!"

"Then again another wise man once said, 'If you can get more money, screw your friends!'"