"How was I supposed to know that there was an actual person out there called Joe Vigilanti?!"

"Jimmy's as safe as a bug in a baby's bottom."

Matthew: "In fact in Japan they've got all kinds of different things to eat."
Bill: "Yeah, I know Matthew it's called Chinese food. Now shut up."

Bill: "What is this?"
Lisa: "That's a Hello Kitty backpack silly!"
Matthew: "That is sooo perfect for him isn't it?"
Bill: "Oh Matthew, I can't accept this..."
Matthew: "Oh no please."
Bill: "...because I'm neither Japanese, 14 years old nor a girl."

"Let me say to you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving, 'Give me my money back!'"

Matthew: "Hey, you know in Japan, you're allowed to eat seaweed."
Bill: "No, that is so fascinating I almost forgot you had presents."

"Nobody cares how beautiful the soufflé is when the appetizers are turds in a blanket."

"You're from Wisconsin... artificial light is fascinating to you!"

"You just threw up in the punch bowl we all share, and now you expect us to believe it's Alphabet Soup?"

Bill: "This idea is both fair and democratic."
Dave: "Yes it is."
Bill: "And I want no part of it."

Dave: "Bill, these people are insane."
Bill: "Oh really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?"

Catherine: "Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution."
Bill: "And I've never felt freer!"

"Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll show you a man."

Matthew: "Oh, I'm sorry... Would it please the good sir Lord Bill of McNeal to join us?"
Bill: "Let me think... Friday night... see a movie or sit around Spaz's kitchen sipping tea with a bunch of shut-ins?... Tough choice..."
Matthew: "They're not shut-ins, okay Bill... they're just the kind of people that like to stay inside... all the time."
Bill: "Well, it's hard to get out when you're taking care of 16 stray cats... each named after a child you never had..."
Matthew: "Fine... don't go... I don't... just don't go..."
Bill: "Oh c'mon pal, I'm only kidding... I'll be there..."
Matthew: "Really?...
Bill: "Yeah, I mean, depending on the weather, of course..."
Dave: "Okay Bill, Stop it."
Matthew: "Well, it's supposed to be crisp and clear on Friday... so... "
Bill: "Oh, I'd been told hell was going to freeze over... I must've been misinformed... count me out... unless of course, the forecast changes..."

Dave: "I've got plenty of heart."
Bill: "Said the Tin Man to the Wizard."

Bill: "You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square."
Dave: "You know, I worked in Milwaukee, it's a city with a population of a million people."
Bill: "So, there must have been a lot of hub-bub when that cow got loose."

"Say, Dave, maybe after work you'd like to go by the zoo and shoot some goats."

"We'd be stuck inside, burned alive. Like those people on the Titanic!"

"If I want to be treated like a spoiled baby it's time I acted like one!"

"Then again another wise man once said, 'If you can get more money, screw your friends!'"

Dave: "I think you're jumping to conclusions."
Bill: "Dave, I stand still, the conclusions jump to me."

"There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, 'I never liked you - get lost.'"

"Dave, parenting is something you can learn as you experience it like riding a bike... or like filing a restraining order against a crazy aunt."

"Jimmy, when love is unrequited, the whole world is a load of crap... Dylan Thomas, 1988."

"It wouldn't be the first time this voice has saved a life. Remember last summer that guy walked in front of a bus? 'LOOK OUT!!' Life saved, thank you..."

"Screw your problem! I'm talking about me!"

"You’re like one of those trained police attack dogs they set loose in the wild and then goes all soft and gets eaten by a deer or something…"

"Experience has taught me that every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth."

"Have you ever heard the expression, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place'?"

"Don't try to confuse the issue with half truths and gorilla dust!"

Bill: "I say we just tough it out."
Dave: "Bill, correct me if I'm wrong but the the last time Mr. James tried to cut the fat around here, you said, and I quote, "I will drink water from the toilet like a dog before I pay for my own sodas."
Bill: "My essential position is the same."
Dave: "No, in fact it's the complete opposite."
Bill: "Yes, and opposites attract, don't they?"

"Are you challenging my constitutional right to make nude phone calls?"

"Believe it or not Dave, you're NOT Joseph Stalin and this ISN'T Elizabethan England... I demand my right to speak! People, what is WNYX? Country Club... NO! We're a fighting unit, am I right? And what do fighting men and women do when they're faced with adversity? They give in! Especially when they're hopelessly outmanned. So they're carting our equipment away? So what!? The only equipment this group needs is a half dozen number twos and a pair of golden throats. That's the spirit! So let's all keep a stiff upper lip and get behind Dave."

Bill: "Alright, the chair costs $2000. So you have give me $1200."
Matthew: "No, half of $2000 is $1000."
Bill: "I think you need to get yourself a calculator my friend."

"Don't try to confuse me with the facts."

"Another time I was cut from the high school football team... and my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback but the McNeal's have gained a daughter." And in front of the other players too! Priceless! Good times, good times..."

"This is like the episode of Star Trek where they're in a parallel universe and everything's the same except everyone's on heroin."

Lisa: "Beth, I just don't think that you should let Bill pressure you into doing anything that you do not want to do."
Beth: "What is this, an episode of Blossom?"

"Dave... Dave, I wish... I wish so hard that you could see yourself the way that we see you... as a ranting, raving crazy little man with a... a monkey head!"

Beth: "Why don't you give me the big bonus, Dave? I'll get you a cup of coffee..."
Dave: "Okay, you've got a deal."
Beth: "You called my bluff, Dave."

"You know how they say when it's your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so no one will mess with you?"

Beth: "Morning boss!"
Dave: "Good morning, Beth. You know, you don't have to call me boss."
Beth: "I know. I just do it sarcastically because it amuses me."

"Last time I stayed home from work sick, I went out shopping in the rain and I actually got sick. Isn't that a weird coincidence?"

"I did NOT get into this business to make photocopies on just plain white paper... I just didn't."

"You're pacing like a rat in one of those educational films about cocaine abuse."

"We're not circumventing it Dave, we're just trying to get around it."

Beth: "My parents let me watch The Wizard Of Oz when I was 5 years old and it gave me nightmares for years."
Dave: "Oh right, the wicked witch."
Beth: "No, Dorothy. For years I was convinced that a house was gonna fall out of the sky and crush me and that some farm girl was gonna come along and steal my flashy red shoes."

"You know you can't know everybody. You just can't. Take that guy for example, he's probably worked here for years. I've never met him. Who are you sir? What goes on in your little world? What are you doing at my desk? Hey get off my purse!"

"Oh yeah, of course because when two women are fighting it's obviously over a man because men are all important and women are not. Men are great. All hail king men!"

Lisa: "Alright look I did not ask for the stupid award."
Beth: "If I were you I'd be upset too. I mean you? Cute? Come on."
Lisa: "I am not entirely uncute. I... I... Why are you being nasty about this?"
Beth: "I'm not being nasty. You're pretty. You're very pretty in fact. But cute, I don't think so."
Lisa: "Well I wasn't aware there was a difference."
Beth: "Well of course there is a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or hyperactive- like me!"
Lisa: "Uh huh. What is beautiful?"
Beth: "Beautiful means pretty and tall."
Lisa: "Gorgeous?"
Beth: "Pretty with great hair."
Lisa: "Striking?"
Beth: "Pretty with a big nose."
Lisa: "OK, you're making this up."
Beth: "That's ridiculous, why would I make it up?"
Lisa: "Sexy?"
Beth: "Pretty and easy."
Lisa: "Exotic?"
Beth: "Ugly."

Dave: "If you must know, we're planning a surprise birthday party for you."
Beth: "Dave, you guys have been planning that for 3 years now and I'm starting to think it's never gonna happen."

"Lisa, if you were a tree, how would you change WNYX?"

Jimmy:"Beth, are these good luck charms or just some bizarre obsessive compulsive disorder? Beth?"
Beth:"What? Sorry I was just counting my eyebrows."

"Dave... Dave, I wish... I wish so hard that you could see yourself the way that we see you... as a ranting... raving... crazy little man with a.... a monkey head!"